I apologize in advance for my crappy attitude. I am nothing if not honest and forthright about my feelings...
Mostly, I just wish I could stop thinking about it. I know that people are only concerned about our well-being and want to check in on us to see how we're doing. And, everyone's being pretty considerate about leaving us alone these days. I'm just putting pressure on myself, so hearing anyone's voice who doesn't call on a regular basis feels like more of the same.
I'm so frustrated. It's really hard to stay 'ready' and 'centered' for this long, especially when I'm feeling nauseated and pukey all the time for a week now - more than I have this entire pregnancy. I know, I should quit my bitching for what some other women have to go through. Anyway, I think that maybe if I felt OK that it wouldn't be so hard to stay upbeat and patient.
But I think what is factoring more into things is the ominous prospect of having to go back to the hospital on Friday for another "scheduled induction" - which I will refuse, again, with my midwives' blessings - but about which I will have to listen to the OB's spiel about increased risks and even though you're non-stress test and AFI results are stellar, these tests aren't fool-proof you know (unless the results were bad, then of course we would be calling them Gospel) and we really really really would love to pump you full of drugs, stripping you of your natural pain-killers and increasing your pain by 10 times so that you end up giving in to an epidural which could give you a fever which would make us want to stick your baby more times than necessary which would make you both stressed which would make breastfeeding and bonding harder, etc. etc. ad naseum. Because then, you know, you'll be such an easier patient for us and we won't have to worry about our liability.
[And please don't argue with me about this. Believe me, I have done piles of research on induction and, at this point, and really until 42+ weeks, the risks outweigh the benefits. I'm saving my justifications for the docs if you don't mind. No need for me to go through it more times than I have to.]
I just feel that all of the work that I've done to be ready and peaceful about the birth of this baby has all gone to the shitter. Yesterday, I felt much the same way in the morning and was able to do the work (meditation, visualizations, determined attitude adjustment) to have a better day. Today, it feels beyond me. I'm just sitting here crying and feel no motivation to do anything to change that. Even though it's a gorgeous day and I could be appreciating that my baby is giving me these last moments to hang with my wonderful Husband, just the two of us. But no, instead of that, I feel an adversarial relationship with the OB's at the hospital, which sucks, and am even starting to feel a little pissed off (Dare I admit it?) at my baby (Great, I'm a horrible mother already.) for taking her sweet damn time vacating my body.
I don't know which has been harder - being 6-7 months pregnant and working two jobs, or this.
My doula just called to tell me how proud of me she is. Husband and I have had some stuff to deal with in this pregnancy, and she said that she's been really impressed with the grace with which we have handled ourselves, and the zeal with which we have researched our options and taken responsibility for ourselves. What a great thing to hear in the midst of this shit that I'm feeling. Maybe today can be a better day after all...
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