New Mom Chronicles

Dream Book

Once upon a time, when I was...say, about 21 years old, it was suggested to me by a trusted teacher of mine that I write a list.  I was to write 15 things that I wanted for my relationship, my home, my career, and my self.  It was to be my deepest desires for my life, an 'if I could have anything I would want' list.  I did that, then put it away and forgot about it.  About 6 years later, I came across that list again.  Surprise!  I had achieved most of the things that I wanted on that list - down to long, curly red hair.  (I had had boy-short hair for most of my life. I never imagined I could achieve long hair, though I desperately wanted it!)  I put The List away and forgot about it for another 5-6 years or so then came across the list again.  Lo and behold!  Every single solitary item on the list was something that either I had in my life, or something that I no longer desired as my wants and needs in life had changed.

Flash forward to now - As part of an 'assignment' for a mindfulness workshop that Scotty and I did together during the whole year of 2009, I put together a Dream book.  I pulled all kinds of pictures, words, and phrases from magazines, various print materials around the house, and online, and assembled them in a big, beautiful, pink photo book.  And look what's happening...

Picture in my dream book:

 

Picture that came up the first time I typed in 'Knoxville' to Flickr to see what it was like when we were thinking about moving here. (It's copyrighted and I don't want to steal anyone's work.)

Here's another picture in  my dream book:

Now, this is a funny one.  I mean, I was living in San Francisco with NO intention of leaving when I made this book.  But I felt really drawn to this picture, and figured what the heck?  I love Fall, I would love a house with a porch, I'll put it in the book...

Came across this listing on Craigslist today in the very town in which we will likely be moving to in a few months...

Hello beautiful porch...Hello lovely deciduous trees, that will have gorgeous colored leaves in the fall....

Here's the full listing.  2300 square feet for LESS THAN $150,000 PEOPLE!!!!  Holy moly.  Not that we could afford to buy a house right now, or would even want to until we knew the area better, but just that there are houses like that here.  Where we live.  And they are well within our reach.

No, these pictures aren't exactly the same, but the same feeling was there for me when I saw them.  I believe that in order to have what we want, we need to know what we want.  These exercises, the writing of the list and the making of the dream book, clarify what exactly it is that I want.  These are my deepest and truest desires.  I pray for them, I imagine what life would be like having achieved them, and hope to one day manifest them into being - at the right time, in the right place, if and when they are meant to be.  I do my best not to white knuckle these dreams to death, leaving space for even bigger and better things to come to me that I might not have the capacity to imagine in the current moment.  But it's good to 'put it out there'.  It might just come back to you.  :)

UPDATE:

Hahahahaha!  I was just looking through my dream book, a little meditation during a stressful day, then looked out the front window of my sister's house.  Lol...  Check it.

Dream book, metal flowers:

Sharon's front porch, metal flowers (I didn't know she had these till we got here):

<Insert Twilight Zone music here!>  Funny funny...

UPDATE #2:

Ok, last one promise.  Here's the picture from my dream book:

It's in my Recreation & Fun section. 

Did I mention that we live in a community built around a lake?   That we visit several times a week to swim in and get out of the heat?  Yep, we do.

Running out to the craft store for 'Dream Book' supplies yet?  ;-)

So...Tennessee!

Life has changed quite drastically these last few weeks - and months, really.  I'm learning how to sloooooow waaaaaay dooooooown and rest into our new life in the South.  

Here one day...(excellent 'last SF meal' by the way, even if the service is ridiculously bad)

And here the next:

I can't believe today is the first day of August.  I flew into Knoxville on June 18th, Scotty arrived June 29th, and my former life in San Francisco feels like a dream.  I didn't know that would happen this quickly.  Through all of this change and leaving the City that I have loved for 15 years, I haven't broken down - except for the day of Zoe's graduation from the Rainbow School in Pacifica. 

Oh my how I cried.  I was perfectly fine until they played this song.  Over and over again.  They had it on a loop, people.  What am I supposed to do with that?  Well, of course!  Sob my eyeballs out on a playground with 40 kids and twice as many adults mulling around.  Perrrrfect.  I was extremely thankful that it was a sunny day, and I had on big ole dark sunglasses.  Seriously, it was a huge effort to pull myself together.  But other than that, I've mostly been good.  Very good, in fact.

My job title these days is the age-old profession of Stay-At-Home-Mom.  The freedom to do this job is something that I have always wanted, and...ya know what?  I like the freedom to be able to stay home, but man am I bored!  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we've been sharing one car?  In any case, I think that it's fine for now.  I'm finding ways to keep myself occupied, and I'm able to take really good care of my toddler and my husband, both of whom have desperately needed it and have been deprived of that for several years now.  But, I have been making inroads to the doula scene here in Knoxville, and I must say, it's so lovely to be around women who love what I love - supporting pregnant mamas and new families.  I think that I'm going to pursue a program to become a Lactation Consultant, and I'm really excited about that possibility. 

After a month of very promising, but also very stressful, job hunting, Scotty has landed a job offer.  The details are not yet ironed out, but they will be in the next two days, and I look forward to the next phase of our journey here.  Two months from now, we will be moving into our own place, leaving the comforts of Shasha's (my sister's) house.  It's been SUCH a lovely soft landing to be here with her.  It's worked out well for all concerned, but I think mostly for Zoe.  She said to Shasha the other day, after about 90 minutes of her full and undivided attention, playing 'sleeping in the castle' and 'tea part' and 'I'm the mama and you're the kid while we both traipse around the house in your fancy high heels', "You're my very best friend."  So sweet. 

Zoe's been doing really well, and I can't tell you how relieved I am about that.  Before we left SF, we were all so stressed out that, understandably, she had a tough time keeping herself together.  There were days that she would just follow me around the house having a fit about something or another, hitting me.  Just hitting me, over and over again.  There was no reasoning with her.  She wouldn't stay in her room, she wouldn't let me hold her, she was just beyond any consoling.  She simply wanted my attention - ANY attention.  Now, she has it most of the time that she's awake, and we are both enjoying it so much.  She's happy, and so am I.

In summation, here's the thing - The whole 39 months of Zoe's life in San Francisco, Zoe NEVER wanted to come home from being out.  It could be 9:30 at night after a fun day spent together, and she would still have a fit about going home.  Every night as we got into the car when I picked her up from my friend Lola's house after I got off of work, she would literally throw a fit.  She did not want to go home.  After only about 4 weeks of being here, the three of us had just had ice cream at our local ice cream parlor, and were driving around downtown Loudon.  For the first time ever, in her whole life, Zoe said - you guessed it -

"I want to go home."